North Korea's Advanced Wild Fermented Kimchi Booster

The countdown has begun for North Korea’s satellite-cum-ballistic missile launch on or close to Apr. 15, the feature event marking the birth centenary of Kim Il-sung, the north’s long-dead Great Leader and president forever.

One assumes this well-orchestrated event is also intended to add testicles to the newly promoted four-star general, Great Successor and anointed Supreme Commander, Kim Jong-un, who really could do with a bit more fearless factor and a lot more Yeonsan-gun masculinity. Jong-un most definitely needs to meet Ray, my wife’s hairdresser. And really, the whole thing is currently looking like a script for a sequel to Mike Meyers’ Goldmember.

These parades and processions are looking way too Callithumpian -- a lovely word describing enthusiastic participation in a mock parade - and throw in a couple of hundred public executions and purge the elite. It is after all the North Korean way.

There is of course the big question if the Unha-3 Taepo-dong 3 ballistic missile will make it past the 40-second flight time of the Unha-2 -- Unha, Korean space jargon for the Milky Way and a symbolic deep-space communicator with the Great Leader in his now celestial home. Of course military experts know that Unha is an abbreviation of project – ‘Unleashing Nuclear Holocaust and Armageddon.’

There has however been a leak of strategic new technology, as reported by satellite logistics expert James Oberg, with 22 years as a NASA space engineer, interviewed on NBC News. Oberg observed on a special pre-launch invitation by the North Korean government, “The booster is bigger than it has to be. It’s based on Han missiles.”

However, the Wandering Palate has learned that Oberg was forced to omit a crucial finding due to a US National Security gag order, subsequently leaked, that there was an “acrid, nauseating stench” coming from the main booster rocket. Further investigation revealed that North Korean scientists had stumbled across a powerful new fuel mixture of liquid gases and kimchi.

This scientific breakthrough was actually discovered by accident when North Korean troops working at a missile fuel testing plant mixing nitric acid, dinitrogen tetroxide and kerosene had a sudden bout of flatulence that was unusually high in methane gas and formaldehyde, causing spontaneous combustion, blowing up the entire plant.

Investigations revealed the troops had eaten a particularly potent wild-fermented kimchi using an ancient recipe from the north that includes alcohol, in this case home-brewed and distilled 190 proof rice grain spirits.North Korean scientists have been experimenting with an improved and increasingly potent wild-fermented kimchi known as Project Banggwi.

This might also explain the Jangdokdae-like shape of the main booster rocket on the Unha-3. It might also explain why the Japanese are so nervous about this launch, as it is believed the highly concentrated and extremely volatile kimchi gas is equivalent to over a million farting Northern Korean soldiers, which would be particularly hazardous if the booster rocket failed and exploded near Japan, or certainly not good with sushi.

There has also been an embarrassing, if not untimely leak of a secret CIA report on Military Risk Strategy for the Korean Peninsula, code named MRS KP. The report in fact identifies South Korea as the main risk to the Western World, or specifically the South Korean femme fatale.

The CIA report contained a psychological analysis of Mainland Chinese, Hong Kong and Singaporean women (MCHKS) comparing them to South Korean ones. It has been established that the MCHKS women’s SOP is the three C’s; cash, car and condo, whereas South Korean women have developed a more ruthless four C’s tactic of cash, car, condo and Caucasian.

Evidence of this ominous SKW is already emerging with the establishment of Victims of Korean Wife Club (VOK-WC).

Analyzing the reports from VOK-WC, the CIA have established a standard profile and MO of SKW, believed to be equipped with enchantress good looks and seductive charms in cooking kungjiung ǔmsik feasts and Poseokjeong drinking etiquette however, metamorphosing once married and in fact highly trained in Jang Nok-su methods with black-belts in verbal taekwondo with a monthly consumption of 30 liters of soju, 60 litres of red wine, 110 lb of meat and 40 lb of kimchi amounting to a potentially dangerous flatulence situation (Project Banggwi).

The Tank Corps of the American Expeditionary Force have also contributed to the MRS KP report, arriving at the conclusion that a South Korean housewife driving a Volvo XC9O is potentially more deadly than an M1 Abrams Tank.

Meanwhile, in Pyongyang, General Kim Kyong-hui, reportedly a big fan of Anthony Bourdain, has added a special commemorative burger to the menu of her "Minced meat and bread" in memory of her father, Kim Jong-Il. The burger patty is apparently a mixture of millet and mud, symbolic of her father’s great achievements in bringing the nation prosperity and food to the tables of all North Koreans.

There is however speculation that the Kwanggmyongsong-1 satellite is not in fact a weather satellite at all but a transmission interceptor so that Kim Jong-un can access the Sony PlayStation website and the God of War III so he can continue his military studies.

The satellite has also be pre-programmed to transmit year-round weather forecasts and temperatures to remote parts of North Korea, or more specifically the Internment and Reeducation camps with 4 temperature grades –Very Cold (-10 degrees Celsius), Very, Very Cold (-20 C), Extremely Cold (-30 C) and Perfectly Cold (-40 C).

Above all, the satellite will beam to the world a “spatial chorus of the Song of Marshal Kim Il-sung and Happy Birthday to You. And the Russians can feel proud of what they achieved in nurturing their Stalinist neighbor, and the Chinese can take a bow too, all contributing to such unparalleled genius in carnage.

You can almost hear the clinking of glasses filled first-growth Bordeaux, Kim Jong-un’s late father’s favourite tipple, toasting his grandfather and marvelling at their achievements, as they join the space race and millions face starvation and children yet to comprehend what a cult actually means, join in unwillingly.