If Life Was Run By Windows

HUMANS WILL SOON start to physically merge with computers, technology guru Ray Kurzweil said on TV recently.

Soon? What’s he talking about? It’s been happening at my apartment for years.

All three of my kids have become one with gadgets.

My son’s right hand was replaced by a Nintendo DS about six years ago. It’s no trouble. I’ve seen him do all sorts of two-handed activities perfectly well with his current limb arrangement, although I have stopped asking him to give me head massages. (The buttons leaves scars on my bald “patch”.)

My daughters both have mobile phones where their right ears used to be.

All three have laptops permanently in front of them: I’ve forgotten what the lower halves of their faces look like. All three may have beards, for all I know.

Mr Kurzweil says that this process will accelerate to a point at which humans will “control their own realities” using computer-style commands.

Can’t wait. I plan to have a keypad built into my left forearm.

Here’s how it will work.

When you want to leave a building, you just press Exit.

To get back to your apartment, press Control / Home.

Want to go shopping? Simply find a shelf of stuff you like and press Select/ A. (My wife kind of already does this, albeit by hand.)

What about work? To get an assistant to do it all for you, press Open Task Manager.

If you say something stupid, press Undo or Control-Z.

If you are regularly accused of saying the wrong thing (for example, if you are a married man), select a time from a drop-down menu, say, two hours ago, and press System Restore.

Need a holiday? Simply cut yourself and family from your present location using Control-X, call up Google Maps and paste (Control-V)yourselves onto a beach resort on the south coast of Sri Lanka.

Is an annoying person spoiling your life? Go to Control Panel and click the tab that says Add/ Remove.

Indeed, while you are there, why not scroll down and Uninstall all the people you don’t like.

Lost your keys or something similar? Click Control-F and type the name of the object.

Fed up of wearing unfashionable clothes? Tick the box to Enable Automatic Update and keep your wardrobe regularly refreshed.

Getting old and wrinkly? No problem. Set the Display Resolution to a lower number of pixels per virtual reality centimeter so worry lines vanish.

Or Photoshop your entire head.

Feel that life is getting all too much for you? To suspend the present existence, press Escape.

On the Start menu, click Hibernate. Everything will stop for as long as you like. You can restart your life just where you left off whenever you feel ready to.

And what if you mess up your whole life? No problem. Press Format: C to go back to the beginning and be born again.

No need to feel ashamed that you didn’t get it right the first time. As the Bible says, “No man shall enter the kingdom of heaven unless he is rebooted.” (That‘s the revised version.)

Anyway, I see I am out of space, so it’s time to finish this column, or, as we computer people prefer to say, Shut Down.