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Get your Facebook pages published!
ALERT THE MEDIA. I’m going to the toilet.
Then put the photographers on standby. I might drink a coffee.
And prepare to broadcast this news to the world: I need to cut my fingernails.
Why am I sharing mundane non-events? Because that’s what cool people do these days. Humanity has entered the Truman Age. Thanks to the internet, ordinary people share the same publicity platform as celebrities, and we’re making good use of it.
And why shouldn’t we? Celebrities’ posts are often way less creative than ours.
Evidence: Here are five real Twitter updates pop star Lil Wayne posted during his recent tour.
1) “Oakland was one of the best shows yet!”
2) “Indiana was the best yet!”
3) “Dallas was better than ever!”
4) “Miami was awesome!”
5) “Orlando was the best hands down!”
Yes, Lil Wayne’s posts are dull, repetitive bits of egotism. I can do that! In fact I already do. And without STAFF WRITERS.
“An epidemic of narcissism” is sweeping society, Psychology Today says. Too right. I scanned my own Facebook homepage for evidence. “Deva commented on his own link,” said the top post. “Cassius commented on his own photo,” said the next one.
One of my Facebook friends, Tim Sollis, deserves some sort of award for his unrelenting focus on personal trivia, broadcasting to the world endless details about his cats, snacks he has consumed, and his other exciting activities, such as listening to the radio.
On September 6, my world was rocked by the news that Tim was “On the roof, doing some gardening, while listening to Peter King on RTHK Radio 3.”
By October 6, his life had become even more exciting: “Having breakfast while waiting for the kitty to be desexed,” Tim told us. This was accompanied by a map recording the exact position of the café where he drank his coffee, recorded for all posterity.
On Oct 13, the world gasped to see an uncensored photograph of a coffee Tim had consumed at McDonald’s. And on Oct 25, the people of planet Earth were thrilled by a picture of a frappuccino he was about to drink.
I wrote to him with a question: “Tim, how would you respond if people accused you of being trivial or self-obsessed?”
A day later, he wrote back: “I just took a cat to the vet’s to have him de-sexed. Enjoying a cappuccino while I wait. If someone wrote I was self-obsessed, I'd present them with the leftover contents of the operation.”
Anyway, here’s great news for Lil Wayne and Tim and other web trivialists. Ether Press will gather together your 3,200 latest tweets and publish them as a book. Just imagine Lil Wayne’s tweets when his concert tour is over. “This supermarket was the best ever!” “This other supermarket is also the best ever!” “And this one!”
Or there’s EgoBook, a printing firm which will make a book out of your Facebook scribbles in time to give to friends at Christmas. “I wanted to give you something really special so here’s a 300-page book of my Facebook status updates, including such modern classics as ‘woke up late’ and ‘feel like taking a sickie’. ”
I can hardly wait. Okay, I am being ironic.
What I really mean to say is, just kill me now.