Gaddafi's maddest moments

COLONEL MUAMMAR GADDAFI will be missed. Yes, I know he's an evil crazed dictator, but let's face it, aren't we all at times? Just ask my wife and kids. The world, by which of course I mean news columnists, desperately need colorful characters like him. For example, who can forget his 2009 state visit to Rome? He sent a bulk order to an escort agency for 500 beautiful women. All had to be at least 5ft 7ins (1.7m) tall, and aged 18 to 35. When they were ready, Gaddafi gave them a speech urging them to convert to Islam, and handed each a signed copy of a book he had written. That was it. What a marvelous way to launch a book! I immediately decided that I would copy the idea for my next book launch, but sadly failed to find a publisher courageous ("insane") enough. Gaddafi once went to the United Nations and tabled a motion to abolish Switzerland. It was way more interesting than the other motions, which were all about the international convention on XYZ, etc. But shockingly no one supported him! Surely we could do without Switzerland? And how about Belgium and Ecuador and all those other places which crowd up the map without really doing anything? If Canada was abolished tomorrow, would anyone notice?

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IN ASIAN news, a medical study in Japan claims that dogs' powerful sense of smell can enable them to detect bowel cancer faster than doctors. Great. I have enough trouble reading my doctor?s handwriting. How am I going to read my dog's?

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PANICKY ALERTS are going out all over the British media after boxes of Nurofen Plus headache tablets were found instead to contain pills which cure psychosis, the mental illness murderers have. So instead of curing thousands of headaches, the pills will stop thousands of murders. How is this bad news? Why don't we permanently replace all headache tablets with anti-murder pills?

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TWO YOUNG people last week sued their mom for "bad mothering". Kimberley Garrity failed to put cash in their birthday cards, Steven, 23, and Kathryn, 20, told an Illinois court. A birthday card saying "Have a great day! Love & Hugs, Mom xoxoxo" was shown to Judge Kathy Flanagan by the children, who wanted US$50,000 for trauma. The judge dismissed the case, saying children should not expect too much from their parents. This news item is provided as a service to parents. Why not slip it into your children's birthday cards?

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EXCLUSIVE: AS sex-mad finance official Dominique Strauss-Kahn was officially released from house detention in New York, I am believably told by a reader tells me he had only one question for his jailers: "Thanks, messieurs. And may I keep the handcuffs?"

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FACEBOOK COULD be worth US$200 billion by 2015, enthusiastic financial analysts have calculated. Okay, so farmers who actually grow things that humans can eat are going bankrupt around the world at record rates, but on-screen farms made of pixels are pulling in loads of money, so that's all right. Is any more proof needed that the world has gone completely crazy?

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TWO DEITIES HAVE spent a decade and a half in prison due to a court room blunder, India's IBN reported recently. Top idols Hanuman the Monkey King and Varuna, God of Water, were put into protective custody in the Indian town of Bhojpur, Bihar, with bail set at Rs 42 lakh (US$900,000) in 1994. Cash-strapped priests can't get them out. "God is under custody," lamented temple boss Yuhal Kishoore Singh, who is trying to get the cash together. Good for him, but I'm a bit disappointed with Hanuman and Varuna. Call themselves gods and they can't even break out of a police lock-up in 15 years! Batman would be out in 15 minutes, and he's just a guy in a leotard.

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THERE WAS an excited astronomer talking about a supernova in the media this morning. In the next 36 hours, people with telescopes or binoculars will be able to see an "exploding white dwarf" in the sky, he said. Why does this make me think of the scene in "Austin Powers" where Mini-Me loses his temper?

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LETTER RECEIVED this morning from reader Rusty de Niese of Sri Lanka, explaining why he respects women: "After drinking, men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking, and fight for no reason. But hats off to women, who can do all this without drinking." Thanks, Rusty, I'll visit you in hospital when your wife/ girlfriend reads this.

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THE WONDERFUL ASIA SENTINEL includes a report on the latest Wikileaks expose, which says that Singaporean leader Lee Kuan Yew slammed Burma's leaders as "dense" and "stupid", called Islam "a venomous religion", and described the former president of Taiwan as "a gambler". Mr. Lee denies making such statements. I believe him. The comments are way too nice.

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THERE ARE about 1,700 people surnamed Duck in the UK county of Hampshire, says reader Patricia Moraz. If fleeing family members of Muammar Gaddafi exile themselves there, it will be only a matter of time before we see the first Gaddafi-Duck wedding, she points out.What I want to know: How do readers know this stuff?

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TEENS WHO eat dairy products such as ice cream or full-fat butter more than six times a day cut their risk of getting type 2 diabetes by 38%, scientists studying health at Harvard University said recently. This is a health report? Six ice creams a day? Who commissions this stuff? Weightwatchers Inc? "The Biggest Loser"? A company that makes coffins?

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TOMORROW IN THIS SPACE: Exclusive: a child solves the Middle East problem