Worst pocket calls EVER

MY BOTTOM HAD a LOT of friends. A total extrovert, it was always on the phone, calling complete strangers as often as it called buddies.

You wouldn’t believe how much apologizing I had to do!

Then I bought a new mobile, and showed it to my butt. “See? It’s got KEYBOARD LOCK.”

Furious, my bottom sulked for days, sitting in the dark, refusing to go out.

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Do you too suffer from unwanted calls made by your nether regions while your mobile is in your pocket?

For proof that immediate action is needed, consider the sad true story of the worst pocket call ever, made by a man who with a friend stole stuff from a store in the US city of Madison, Wisconsin, two weeks ago.

As the villain slid into the seat of the getaway car, his butt accidentally dialed the local police station. Officers listened fascinated for 54 minutes as he and his henchman discussed the goods they’d stolen, described the car they were driving, and even detailed the address to which they were heading.

Laughing officers got there first and arrested the stunned pair.

According to the Madison Police press release kindly forwarded to me by a helpful reader, suspects Jason S. Hamielec, 29, and Brian A. Johnson, 28, were cited on a charge of retail theft.

Surely the charge should have been: “willfully participating in an incident akin to the plot of a bad sitcom”?

This must be the first case in history of a criminal being “shopped” to the police by his own bottom.

You can’t trust anyone these days.

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Three most embarrassing butt-dialed calls reported by readers:

1) Having your bottom dial someone who thinks your family is perfect while you are having an out-of-control screaming fit at your out-of-control screaming children;

2) Having your wife listen in to you and your mistress in bed (yes, this actually happened);

3) Leaving a three-minute voicemail message on your boss’s line of you discussing your feelings of inadequacy with your dog.

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But talking of dumb criminals, we finally have a successor to master forger Fazal Ur Rehman, a Pakistani national who made spelling mistakes on his home-produced passport.

Two weeks ago, a woman found the word “SULT” (a misspelling of “slut”) scratched into her car. Her ex-boyfriend Adam Hall, 34, told police in Vermont, US, he was innocent.

They asked him to write “You are a slut” on a piece of paper. He wrote: “You are a sult.”

Gotcha! Moral of this story: Take your school spelling tests seriously, boys and girls, taking special care over the word “slut”.

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But the crown of “dumbest criminal of the decade” is still held by the biker snatchers of Laohekou, a town in Hubei, China.

A woman named Chen picked up her dog’s poo and wrapped it in newspaper, the Chutian City News reported.

Drive-by villains wrestled the package from her hands and zoomed off with it.

The story could only be better if one of them had butt-dialed the local police so that the conversation when they reached their hideout was shared with the world.

“Open the package and see what valuable goods we have netted, comrade.”

“I will, dear henchman. But before I do so, I am wondering why the package is warm?”

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ON UNRELATED SUBJECTS….

READER Stephen B. sent in this photo which he took in a store in Hong Kong. Mixed instructions?

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THANKS to Liftie and Grandpa and everyone else for funny comments on the Japanese butt-reading car seat at www.mrjam.org . Will try to get some of it into the newspapers next week.

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NOTE to readers in Macau. I will be visiting and giving talks at a church and a school on January 22. Write if you want details. Some of you know I manage a little pop group of girls aged 10 to 13 called the Ding Dong Belles, and they’ll be coming with me. If you’ll excuse a little self-indulgence, here’s our latest recording. We decided that “We Three Kings” was too old-fashioned for a nativity in 2011, so we made up a modern song with the same theme. The girl in the image below is Lindie, aged 11, but the other guitarist is me in disguise.

Have a great weekend.