Woman robber shoots breast milk

* *A woman is committing robberies by confronting cashiers and squirting breast milk at them from what we might prudishly call her “upper chestal region”.

She twice approached shop counters in Darmstadt, Germany, lifted her upper garment and started shooting. While the cashier was distracted by the sight, she grabbed the money and ran.

*** This brilliant new crime technique should win her a place in history, as it leaves male shopkeepers totally stunned but does them no physical harm.

They may even quite like it, to be honest.

*** “The tricky thing is to decide whether we should now classify these body parts as weapons and legislate for them,” said the person who sent me the news report, a Hong Kong lawyer.

I told him that this woman was more successful than the similarly innovative bank robber in Jakarta who threatened to squirt chili sauce at bank staff.

Bank tellers refused to co-operate, not willing to spend the rest of their lives known as the people who had allowed themselves to be robbed at condiment-point.

*** Should people wielding breasts or condiments be required to obtain weapons licenses?

At this point, a colleague who reads the US press said we should add bananas to the list.

Earlier this year, a man robbed a store there by pointing a banana through the cloth of his jacket as if it was a gun.

Staff grabbed him, but he ate the banana before the police arrived. You can’t do that with a Magnum 44.

Well, you can, but it would take ages.

***

Airports also have a broad definition of weapons.

At an air security gate recently the man in front of me was made to take his shoes off.

Within seconds, it became plainly obvious that his stinky socks were the real weapon of mass destruction, causing several of us to stampede back through the security gate for our lives.

That smell would give you ebola at 30 meters, I don’t care what the science says.

*** Even sound can be a weapon.

A woman in Britain felt excruciating pain and fell to the floor vomiting every time she heard the voice of pop singer Ne-Yo, the Daily Mail said. To stop the “bizarre affliction”, Zoe Fennessy, 26, had part of her brain removed.

Zoe, EVERYBODY feels like that when they hear pop singer Ne-Yo.

It’s not an affliction. It’s called taste.

***

The problem is that since anything can be used as a weapon, the logical thing is to make everything illegal.

Which is what they do in China. I have a news cutting in my drawer about a Chinese “drug smuggler” who was executed for “caffeine distribution”.

In the rest of the world, if you distribute caffeine they make you a billionaire.

***

At least the Chinese system makes it easy for the police, who can detain miscreants even before the robberies have taken place.

“Madam, put that pair of dangerous weapons away and come with us.”

*** (Illustration features random pic of female robber)