"Did I hear something fall?"

A WOMAN GAVE birth while roaring through town on a motorbike. And bikes being noisy, bumpy things, she didn’t notice, media reports said. The baby promptly flew off the bike and landed in the road. New mama zoomed off over the horizon in a cloud of dust.

The baby’s luck did turn, I’m glad to say. A female passenger in the bus behind spotted it and stopped the vehicle. Ancharee Mookta picked up the baby and gave it to another motorcyclist, who rushed it to hospital, the Pattaya Daily News said.

Later, police managed to trace the mother. I would have loved to have overheard the conversation when cops finally found her in Bangkok, Thailand.

“Excuse me, madam. I think you dropped this.”

Anyway, this kid is going to have the greatest first line ever for his biography. “I left home at an early age, when I was 0.3 of a second old.”

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STUDENT SCIENTISTS have created a cow dung air-freshener. The secret of concentrating the smell is to collect the cow poop fresh and then ferment it for several days, Rintya Miki Aprianti and Dwi Nailul Izzah told judges at the Indonesian Science Project Olympiad last week.

They want to patent their invention, pointing out that no one else has ever made a cow dung air freshener. Well, that’s a surprise.

No doubt the students picture the average Indonesian housewife looking over her faultless dining room as her guests approach, thinking: “What would be a perfect final touch? If only cow dung was available in a handy spray-top container!” Now it is.

Next: Feet-flavored shoe deodorizer.

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LAPTOP USERS were horrified to find their government-sponsored computers were pre-set to open with images of ugly politicians. Any attempt to alter this caused the computers to shut down, the Times of India reported. Politicians Akhilesh Yadav and his father Mulayam thought this would help make them popular, but it made users annoyed. Don’t these guys know ANYTHING about nerds? To make them happy you need a screensaver of the luscious Kasumi from Dead or Alive (below).

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NEWS REPORTS say cinemas in China sold not one ticket for the bio-pic of Lei Feng, the idolized perfect communist. Baffling. Who wouldn’t want to go see a bio-pic of a guy invented by the world’s least imaginative individuals and filmed by the world’s worst filmmakers? Go figure.

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WHEN KIM Jong Un waved to soldiers from the deck of a boat recently, disaster almost followed: the men ran into the water after their adored leader, a news video shows. He had to shoo them all away before they all drowned. This could form the basis of a daring, weapons-free attack. You just stick a Kim lookalike on a boat and have him sail up and down the coast till everybody’s dead.

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THE TOP word searched for by internet pornography consumers in Japan is “Japanese” while the top word searched for in China is ALSO “Japanese”, a survey revealed last week. At last we have a way to create peace between the two nations. Make sexy “AV star” Maria Ozawa the next Japanese Prime Minister.

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LOVE THIS foodstuff (below) sent in this morning by reader Kevin Yeung. My vegetarian friends will no doubt applaud the bluntness of the Chinese food name.

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SHOCK HEADLINES in the Hong Kong press this morning inspired me to write a mini-sermon.

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I’LL BE at Hong Kong international airport from about two till four this afternoon, look out for me at the coffee shop and come and say hello.

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