People on the internet frequently abuse me with the phrase “Your stupid”.

I usually reply: “Yeah but at least I can spell ‘you’re’.”

This infuriated one correspondent recently into writing back: “Your a idiot.”

I replied: “Yeah but at least I can spell ‘an’.”

He replied: “Their’s different ways of spelling stuff moreon.”

I replied: “Yeah but at least I can spell ‘there’s’ and ‘moron’.”

He hasn’t replied, no doubt because he is busy preparing a truck bomb to drive around to my office.

***

But frankly, it’s may sadly be time to hold a funeral service for the beautiful word “you’re”.

It went on my endangered list in 2007, when a US technology firm launched a major ad campaign with a two-word phrase: “Your on.”

When you have a massive budget and just two words to handle, you’d think you’d get both of them right, but no.

The same country saw the launch of an inn called the Your Welcome Inn, which suggests that three words is WAY too much.

By 2009, “your” was replacing “you’re” in about than 50 per cent of internet exchanges I monitored, and today “your” has triumphed almost completely.

Modern dictionaries are governed by the “descriptive not proscriptive” principle, which means “your” will soon appear as A LEGITIMATE ALTERNATIVE for “you’re”.

***

A funeral should also be held for the term “every day”.

When you write this as two words, it means “all the days”.

When you write it as one word, it means “mundane”.

So pop star Elvis Costello’s hit song “Everyday I Write the Book” means “Mundane I Write the Book.”

The Coca-Cola Company’s slogan for Dasani bottled water describes it as a mundane drink, which is bang on target.

One of the top songs sung in churches today is called “Everyday” which says all you need to know about modern Christian music.

***

Careless writing is all around us. Recently, the managers of my office put up a sign saying: “KEEP THE DOOR CLOSE.”

Do they mean “closed”, or do they want me to take the door off its hinges and keep it close to me everywhere I go?

Given their rationality levels, both are equally possible.

***

In my previous office, management put up a sign on the janitor’s office: “CLEANER ROOM”.

I glanced inside. It was cleaner than my room. But aren’t they all?

***

The third funeral will probably go to the apostrophe.

The saddest lost apostrophe of recent times must be the one in the photo a reader sent to me, showing a school in India owned by a man named Anu Sharma.

The signmaker dropped the all-important apostrophe and thus the sign says ANUS ENGLISH ACADEMY. Sad but true.

***

Talking of imprecise writing, I once had an online dispute with someone who told me “THEIRS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY BRIAN”.

I wrote back, congratulating her on her Brian’s health.

***

But, dear reader, let’s face facts.

I propose that we, the last few people on earth to still use “you’re” should have a Save The Apostrophe meeting in a hotel or conference centre.

But PLEASE, not at the Your Welcome Inn.