A THIEF WAS captured by a cop dressed as a giant banana.

(This is the sort of story that columnists like me dream of and pray for nightly, so THANK YOU, GOD.)

A part-time police volunteer named Luke Summerhayes was recently doing his day job, working at a supermarket in the UK.

As part of his duties, he was dressed as a giant banana. (I’ve worked at supermarkets, and believe me, this is not the worst thing you have to do.)

Suddenly the shoplifting alarm went off!

Luke did not have time to take off his costume.

He just raced after the thief as he was, flying across the shop in his two-meter-tall banana rig.

The villain was proceeding at a steady pace across the car park when a giant banana raced out of nowhere and arrested him.

Luke told reporters afterwards: “He looked pretty surprised.” (This line may put him in the running for “Understatement of the Decade”.)

The story, recorded in the UK’s tabloid press, was forwarded to me by reader Sunita Chau, who said: “Observers must have been in ‘peels’ of laughter, ha ha ha.”

Groanworthy puns aside, I can see this as the beginning of a real-life superhero saga.

But first, Luke needs some banana-powers. Perhaps he could have some sort of banana-skin firing gun that makes criminals slip and fall. And a speedy banana-mobile crime-fighting car shaped like a banana-split dish. And a trusty assistant called plantain. The TV series could be called Go Bananas.

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Talking of crime, robbery victims are increasingly defeating villains by simply ignoring them, according to the latest items sent in for my Dumb Criminals File.

In one recent case, a would-be robber walked into a bank and demanded cash.

The teller said: “Sorry, this window is closed.”

The robber apologetically moved away to a teller window which was actively serving customers.

The second teller pointed out that there was a queue, telling him he had to “wait in line” to rob the bank.

In the queue, a customer scolded the man for not lowering the hood of his hoodie indoors. Unwilling to adjust his hoodie, the harassed villain gave up and left the bank in the US city of Boston, the Boston Globereported.

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I recall a similar incident happening in Hong Kong. A man stormed into a bank in Kowloon and announced he was robbing it. Staff declined to empty the vaults, explaining that they were far too busy for that kind of thing.

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Last week in Holland, a masked man entered a bar and leveled a gun at people inside.

Too busy drinking and chatting, they ignored him. The whole thing is on YouTube, including the deflated robber’s sad exit.

Full video below:

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Moral of these tales: You need PERSONALITY to be a robber. It’s not for everyone.

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Still on a legal theme: a US woman whose children were taken from her by social workers demanded US$900 trillion in compensation last week. (That figure is not a misprint.)

Critics say the fact that Fausat Ogunbayo, 46, thinks time with her children is worth all the money in the world shows she is mentally unstable.

I think it shows that she’s the only person around whose values are on target.

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To finish, here’s a contender for dumbest thief in history:

Have a great day.