These things could never happen… or could they?

Singapore: In March, following US$30 billion in write-downs by Goldman Sachs, Temasek injects $20 billion in new capital. October: Goldman bankrupted by $80 billion yen carry trade and derivatives losses.

Malaysia: Vijay Singh declared persona non grata by Malaysia citing a Hindu plot to convert Malays. Top cleric issues a fatwah against all Indonesian Muslims. Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi declares the entire country a construction project and awards the contract to his son-in-law, Khairy Jamaluddin.

Thailand: Previously unknown members of royal family hold orgy. Monks offer blessing. YouTube coverage briefly reveals all.

Philippines: Taal volcano erupts. Millions try to flee Manila. US Air Force flies President Gloria Arroyo to Guam. Joseph Estrada stays behind and retakes presidency. Millions cheer in Tondo.

Burma: Junta bans Buddhism as a plot to hand country over to foreign interests. Monasteries disbanded, Shwedagon Pagoda in Rangoon leveled for shopping mall development by Chinese company. Former monks forced by military to build mall as unpaid volunteers. “It’s an internal matter,” says Beijing. “What can we do?” says ASEAN. Singapore, Thailand and Malaysia all invest in former monastery sites nationwide.

Hong Kong: Roman Catholic Chief executive Donald Tsang bars Pope from Olympic Equestrian events, says putting God before Mammon is unpatriotic and un-Chinese. Equestrian events are awarded to Hong Kong Jockey Club by default after spectators are unable to see them because of air pollution.

Indonesia: Explosion at coal mine kills hundred of miners, open vast fissure in earth. Owner flees to Singapore. In name of ASEAN solidarity, owner gives huge donation to Lee Kuan Yew School of Government

Australia: Following a public apology to the Aborigines on behalf of white Australia, Prime Minister Rudd is assassinated.

China: Strong tremors rock Beijing on the anniversary of the Tangshan earthquake causing huge cracks in Olympic venues. Foreign participants flee but games go ahead and China wins 90 percent of medals. President Hu Jintao declares it a victory for harmonious socialism with Chinese characteristics.

India: Naxalites overrun Bihar, Jharkand and Chhattisgarh and occupy Patna. Government in Delhi says it doesn’t matter as everything in Bangalore and Gurgaon is fine.

Japan: Panic buying of yen by housewives sends currency to 60 to the dollar. Unperturbed, millions of youths dress as greenbacks in latest costume-play rage.

North Korea: Kim Jong-il makes world’s largest ever oil discovery under Mount Paekdu, uses revenues to endow new film studio.

South Korea: Under pressure from rising won and export competition from China, South Korea declares itself for sale. Samsung Corporation uses slush fund to buy a controlling stake in the country in return for eternal exemption from all laws. New President Lee Myung-bak declares the move a step toward becoming an advanced country.

Taiwan: Kuomintang leader Ma Ying-jeo wins presidential election in a romp, begins building land bridge to mainland.

Pakistan: It’s already happened.