Finally, there’s a way of telling for sure

ARMY LEADERS IN Turkey exempt gay men from serving—but lack a test for gayness, it was revealed last week by the BBC. Instead, guys are required to just hand in an “inappropriate” photo. Eww, talk about tacky.

I was shaking my head at that grim story when a reader sent me an update on an earlier story from this column. Three guys won a court case recently against people who accused them of not being gay. (This was in America. It’s hard to imagine guys in Asia suing someone who said they were not gay.)

The issue put me in mind of my banker friend “Rudy” who wants his friends to think he is gay, but convinces no one. (He thinks gay people are seen as intelligent. How riddikulous, er rediculouse, er, silly.)

But I admit the whole issue can be confusing.

Surely there must be a way to tell for sure? I canvassed readers with an interest in the subject for ideas.

Almost all said it WAS possible to test for gayness, insisting that many people have “gaydar”, a radar-like ability to detect it. The sharpest comments came from publisher Marshall Moore (below). He was doubtful about stereotypes. “The idea that gay men are educated, gym-toned aesthetes is just a yawn,” he said. But he knows gaydar exists.

He offered a list of super-subtle measures:

“Things like facial expressions,” he said. “Gay men often have a kind of pinched look, which I think comes from all the self-monitoring, blinking or flaring the eyes, gestures, something about the voice. Is it about stereotypes or the fact that we are biologically different in some way? I'd venture that it's too complex to boil down to any one thing. But I did a study of gaydar at uni and actually got statistically significant results. I don't think this had been done before, either.”

Reader Jaya Wicks also confirmed that gaydar exists. He acknowledged that stereotypes can be crass, but “they are also useful because they exist for good reasons”. In a jovial mood, he was happy to help draft some questions towards a tongue-in-cheek gay test.

So here it is, prepared with love for the Turkish Army:

***

The Gay Test for Guys.

Choose A or B.

***

1) Your personal dance style is:

a) Contemporary swing with a little retro body-popping;

b) Standing at the bar with a drink, nodding slightly not quite on the beat.

***

2) “Fuchsia” is:

a) A shade of pink named after a flower;

b) I don’t know, a rude word in French?

***

3) Your favorite wine is

a) Pinot Noir;

b) Beer.

***

4) Your favorite soft drink is

a) Evian;

b) Beer.

***

5) What’s your favorite hobby?

a) I like to write;

b) Beer.

***

6) Movie trailers that excite you feature:

a) People looking intensely at each other;

b) Explosions.

***

7) Your wardrobe is

a) On a series of racks, coordinated by color and season;

b) In a pile on a chair.

***

8) Have you ever drunk an alcoholic drink containing a small umbrella?

a) Are you kidding, creating fab cocktails is MY LIFE;

b) I thought drinks with umbrellas were for children?

***

9) Do your shirt, tie, or other garments ever co-ordinate?

a) Only always;

b) What’s “co-ordinate”?

***

10) To you, the word “cooking dinner” means:

a) Poaching, grilling, blanching;

b) Defrosting.

***

11) Are you good at interior design?

a) Yes, my earth-toned living room sets off the autumn chaise-longue set perfectly;

b) Yeah, I whitewashed the apartment myself including the table and the cat.

***

12) Is there a movie you would refuse to see, even if threatened at gunpoint?

a) Transformers;

b) Brokeback Mountain.

***

If you ticked “B” more than six times, you’re not gay enough. Get back in the army.

And sorry, Rudy, you’re “outed” as straight. Go defrost dinner.

***

OTHER ITEMS IN THE NEWS

LAST WEEK’S news report that warmonger Dick Cheney had a “heart transplant” implies he had one to start with. Can’t be right.

***

NORTH KOREA has missed years of human progress and is stuck in a time warp, President Obama said last week.

That’s rather blunt. I imagine President Kim Jong Un will immediately deny the accusation in a strongly worded message chiseled on stone tablets and distributed by a network of trained woolly mammoths.

***

THE THAI guy who created energy drink Red Bull died the other day at the age of 89, the newspapers reported.

Actually, I think he was 40; he just looked 89.

***