Steve Jobs reincarnated in Asia

STEVE JOBS is coming back. The dead Apple chief will be reincarnated later this year, and could be back at work as the world’s top gadget guy as soon as 2030.

A group of Taoist-Buddhists in Malaysia arranged for the tech guru to be reborn, I heard from reader Mel Steeven.

Forty believers gathered last week in Pulau Jerejak, Penang, for a ceremony led by a medium from Selangor. The climax of the event involved each participant taking a single bite from an apple, and then throwing the blessed apples into the sea.

Unfortunately, the apples were so sweet and delicious that several participants sneaked extra bites before sacrificing them, the appropriately named Sin Chew Daily newspaper reported. The leader felt that this would not affect the reincarnation process.

Asked for a reaction, the Federation of Taoist Associations in Malaysia enthusiastically praised the event as “ridiculous” and “superstitious”.

After the service, participants were overheard reverently discussing the ceremony, with comments such as: “So who’s Steve Jobs?”

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TECHIES have created an “I’m being arrested” app inspired by the Occupy Wall Street protests. If you’re at a demo and police grab you to drag to their van, you click the app and then hold down the main button for two seconds. It automatically sends a preset message to your family, colleagues or friends, such as “I’m being arrested, come rescue me now”.

But downloaders of the app, designed for Android phones, are warned to be careful. If you drunkenly sit on your phone while misbehaving in a bar or massage parlor one night, you may end up summoning exactly the people you don’t want to see.

“Oh, hullo darling, what a, er, nice surprise.”

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A MAN WAS arrested for attacking a woman with a frozen armadillo in Dallas last week, Fox News reported. Amazing. There have GOT to be cheaper weapons around.

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READER OTIS Schindler, also known as Lift Lurker, came up with a clever test to show that men only use a maximum of two words for red, “red” and “crimson”.

Pointing to his collection of macho thriller novels, he replaced male color words with female ones.

"The Hunt for Red October" becomes "The Hunt for Strawberry October".

"Red Dawn" becomes "Cherry Dawn".

"Crimson Rivers" becomes "Rose Rivers".

"Crimson Tide" becomes “Candy Apple Tide".

He said: “The manliness just evaporates away.”

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THE HOLY GUNS have been upgraded. Now a modern carbine submachine gun and an AK47 are worshipped on the altar of the weapons temple at the Jharkand police headquarters in India.

Now this is a weird tale. For more than 100 years this community has disliked worshipping idols, preferring weapons. After all idols are just made of stone, an inorganic material with no feelings. But guns—well, they’re made of metal.

A police commandant, trying to regularize the temple, added a statue of the Goddess Durga in the 1950s, but then fell ill and died. Clearly the guns were annoyed at being upstaged and zapped him.

The community has focused on the weapons ever since.

In the Durga Puja festival earlier this month, adherents garlanded the guns (plus some grenades, pistols and cannons) with flowers and worshipped them, the Indo Asian News Service reported last week.

Could someone tell America’s National Rifle Association, better known as the NRA, about this? International friendships are bound to blossom. This could be Dick Cheney’s dream retirement spot.

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