Snowden in my neighborhood

Here’s what we learn from the NSA “whistleblower”

EDWARD SNOWDEN in my neighborhood. Here’s an exclusive interview that took place at a secret location in my imagination.

What’s your message to the world, Mr Snowden?

Snowden: America has spies!

Er. I think we knew that.

Snowden: And the spies SPY on people.

Er. I think we knew that, too.

Snowden: And they spy on foreigners.

Spies all over the world tend to spy on foreigners. Funny, that.

Snowden: The existence of spies shows that the US government is EVIL.

The Democrats, right? But didn’t the Republicans set this up?

Snowden: Yes, of course. They too are evil.

So everyone in your country is evil?

Snowden: Yes, definitely.

In this country, and every other, we have spies who spy on people. Does that mean that everyone in the world is evil?

Snowden: Yes, definitely.

Mr Snowden, are you an extremely confused man?

Snowden: Yes, definitely.

Thank you, Mr Snowden. Good luck with the book.

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ON THE SAME subject, to quote reader Janakan Arulkumarasan: “The only thing that surprises me about PRISM is that people are surprised by PRISM.”

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MISS UTAH IS being mocked for her meaningless answer in a beauty pageant this week.

Question: "A recent report shows that in 40 percent of American families with children, women are the primary earners, yet they continue to earn less than men. What does this say about society?"

Answer: “I think we can relate this back to education, and how we are continuing to try to strive to figure out how to create jobs right now. That is the biggest problem. And I think, especially the men are, um, seen as the leaders of this, and so we need to try to figure out how to create educate better so we can solve this problem.”

Not bad, but isn’t quite a dumb as a certain Ms Caite Upton at the 2007 Miss Teen USA pageant.

Question: “Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?”

Answer: “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future.”

Thank you and good night, ladies.

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LOVE THIS VIDEO of a guy at Guangzhou airport loading boxes onto a plane.

He does it so badly that the boxes bounce off the conveyor belt, making more work for him.

Now I know why the Ming Vase I ordered arrived in such bad shape.

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I HAVE A NEW BAND! Would love you to listen to a bit of this and give us feedback, ie, praise. My friend Doug is on ukulele, my buddy Scott is on guitar and yours truly plays the melody lines, mostly on keyboard. My favourite comment so far described the tracks as “audio happy pills which you pop into your ears”.

Warning: this music is EXTREMELY happy. Can cure emos from 100 meters.

If you’re pushed for time, just listen to the first single ‘Perfect Day’: it’s the first track and it’s only 2 mins long. On YouTube there’s a link to download the whole mini-album free. (Jason: this music is safe for atheists.)

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A GROUP OF US in Hong Kong are going to take Grandpa Fardel’s daughter Keshia out for dinner on Friday night. Wave a hand if you would like to join us.

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