THE SCARY TRUTH ABOUT OFFICE WORKERS

My psychotherapist says I have “revenge addiction”. I am SO going to get the @$%@*& for that.

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I just noticed that pretty much all office cubicles IN THE WORLD have padded cell walls EXACTLY like lunatic asylums.

Mine are a soothing light gray in color. There's a message there, right?

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One of my office neighbors says those who sit at boring desks all day eventually have violent outbursts, which is the theme of a new Hollywood blockbuster, The Accountant. I quickly added it to my list of Films Not To See.

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In the movie, Ben Affleck appears as a guy who is desk-bound during working hours but kills people in his spare time.

Clearly a clever blend of the average office worker's actual and imaginary lives, or at least mine.

My colleague said she is happy to watch Mr Affleck sitting in an office as long as he has his shirt ripped off. This would need a bit of creative license. Shirt-ripping-off doesn't often happen in modern offices, except during end-of-year parties, when it becomes mandatory.

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There are other movies about office staff. Look Who's Talking, so I read, is about an auditor whose newborn baby delivers wisecracks in the voice of Bruce Willis.

I have not seen it, as it is clearly a deeply disturbing horror film.

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My colleague reminded me that the main character in Moonstruck is a working accountant.

I refused to see this as it stars Cher, an actress who gives me the creeps, as she does not have a single wrinkle despite being a succubus of well over 200 years of age.

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But why do filmmakers feel they have to give modern office workers secret lives to make us interesting?

Our lives are ALREADY filled with tension and high drama.

For example, consider the race against time when you have to shut down all your open internet windows in the few seconds before your boss reaches your desk.

Click click click clickclickclickclickclickclick

My fingers move so fast that time and space warp over my keyboard.

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And if filmmakers want good movie dialogue, they could just use standard office banter.

I once had a boss who thought he was funny, and we had the following exchange over the office intranet system.

BOSS: “I need a laugh, can you send me a joke?”’

ME: “Later, I'm doing some work.”

BOSS: “Good one, any more?”

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And of course, there's drama.

Last month, a guy at a cubicle three meters away from me had a screaming tantrum, swore at the boss and quit, slamming the door.

Usually, if there's a commotion, our heads float up like those of prairie dogs, but this was a show of HUMAN EMOTION so we sank deep into our cubicles, some of us probably right down to floor level.

I was so shaken that I lost half a day's work.

Fortunately I do NOT have revenge addiction.

But I might just get him anyway.