AS WE BEGIN OUR DESCENT, all passengers should stow their tray tables and SHUT THEIR STUPID MOUTHS.

A Japanese low-cost airline has put an interesting trait into writing: rude flight attendants.

The customer relationship policy of Skymark Airlines, a budget carrier, specifically says passengers should not expect flight attendants to help with luggage, listen to complaints or even be minimally polite.

Passengers and consumer organizations demanded that written versions of the policy be removed from aircraft.

But me, I would pay extra to fly on Skymark.

Just think of the pleasure of FINALLY hearing flight attendants speak the truth to obnoxious passengers:

“Shut up and sit down, sir, if you have the brains to do both things at once. And you, madam, are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort for us today? As for your child, I’d call him an idiot, but that would be unfair to stupid people.” Etc etc.

Having said that, if I really wanted to be abused, I guess I could just book tickets on domestic airlines in Russia.

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A MAN WITH a camera-phone caught on video a vandal using spray paint to damage a Picasso painting at a US museum last week. Luckily, guards at The Mencil Collection in Houston leapt into action to stop the unauthorized use of a camera-phone.

Yes, some guards really are issued Stupidity Pills along with their uniforms.

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A SOUTH KOREAN woman got pregnant from eating calamari. She had 12 baby cephalopods. Her husband was not very happy about it.

At first I thought this was a dumb urban legend to stop me eating seafood.

But reader Sunita Chau tells me it really happened. A woman who felt something go into her mouth when she bit into a squid later had 12 tiny nascent squid-things removed by doctors from her gums and inner cheek, according to a US National Center for Biotechnology Information report issued last week.

“But the report infuriatingly fails to answer the obvious question,” Sunita wrote. “Can insemination by a squid or an octopus lead to women giving birth to human octopuses with large numbers of long, probing limbs? I only ask because I’ve dated several guys like that.”

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A VILLAGE CALLED Dull in Scotland and the town of Boring in Oregon have just become “twin towns”. I guess citizens feel that being Dull AND Boring will attract more tourists than being Dull OR Boring. The jury’s out. Or asleep.

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A RESEARCHER last week tabulated young Facebook users’ music preferences with their universities’ average test scores. The result was a table showing that intelligent people listen to Beethoven, medium-smart people prefer Coldplay and The Beatles, while the dumbest people listen to rapper Lil Wayne (pic below).

No doubt fans of Lil Wayne, outraged at being called stupid, will respond with cries of: “He say what?” and “I not stupid” and “Oh yes we is” etc.

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PARTY GIRL Lindsay Lohan received treatment for a minor case of exhaustion last week, the newspapers report. I imagine the lawyers whose job it is to keep her out of jail must have suffered severe exhaustion for years.

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THANKS TO READERS for all the advice on dictation programs.

I agree with grandpa that commentator Angela is the best option by far. Sadly I cannot afford to fly her to my hometown and have her take dictation for several weeks.

So I got Dragon, which everyone said was the best one and tried it, getting several thousands words done. Amazing!

Some sentences are impressively accurate, with even bizarre names spelt correctly. Others are so wildly off target that I have no idea what they originally said.

The good news: In the past two days, I have 18,000 words written, which is pretty good output level.

The bad news: A significant proportion of it is indecipherable gibberish.

So, no change there.

If anyone else feels like writing a new book at the moment, why not start this week and we can pace/ encourage each other?