Proof that exercise is bad for you
Your narrator met an old friend while practicing for a triathlon the other day. That is, he was practicing for a triathlon. I'd just taken a taxi to the shop for a second box of doughnuts.
Now that doesn't mean I'm unhealthy, oh no.
I once managed to separate two supermarket trolleys WITH MY BARE HANDS, and as everyone knows, staff weld those things together every night to torment shoppers.
Exercise is bad for your health.
Proof comes in the shape of a news report a reader forwarded to me about the recent New Delhi marathon.
Organizers forgot to put signs at the point where runners had to turn around to head back.
So they just kept on going.
Had a runner not become suspicious after an extra four kilometers, they would have kept going right through Nepal, into the Himalayas and up Mount Everest.
"This hill's a bit steep, Ayush."
"Don't be a wimp, Ishaan."
The unfortunate runners had to beg passers-by for money so they could take buses back to the finish line, where they were disqualified for taking buses.
Imagine what that does for your blood pressure.
The same week, on the other side of the world, a fugitive being chased by police ran onto the route of the Chicago marathon.
A puffing police officer followed.
The news report did not say how far the pair ran, but I hope it wasn't the full 42km.
The cop eventually leaped forwards and brought down the runner in front of him, fortunately getting the right man to avoid committing the heinous crime of Turning Life Into A Comedy Movie.
Last year in Jiangsu, police officers looked at a street surveillance video to identify a snatch thief sprinting away with a stolen phone noting that he ran 100 meters in 12 seconds, and was thus worth retraining as an Olympic sprinter.
But no follow-up reports appeared, so he may have received normal Chinese security bureau justice, ie, being slapped around and thrown over a wall.
I recently received a watch that counts calories so you can offset them against the snacks you've consumed.
In a single exercise session, I burned 55 WHOLE CALORIES, enough to compensate for half a chocolate bar I ate in 1983.
Tomorrow, I plan to work on the other half, before moving onto the 40,000 other snacks I have eaten since then.
Meanwhile, a female colleague who signed up for a weight-loss exercise class received an e-mail telling her to "dress in loose clothing."
She replied: "The reason I am doing this exercise class is because the laws of physics prevent me having any loose clothing."
She was in a seriously bad mood so I recommended she apply for the New Delhi marathon and run up the Himalayas.
I did warn her one of the hills may be a bit steep.