A NEW RIOT control weapon is being launched this month. You zap the “sonic cannon” at a bad guy and he immediately goes to the toilet. It penetrates all known underwear brands.

I know it sounds like a joke, but I was sent enough information to decide that it really exists. When I was a kid, I saved up my money to buy a pea shooter, which was really just a straw. I guess you could call this a “pee shooter”, get it?

Puns aside, Polish police have been trained to use the “involuntary urination” cannon to control football hooligans at the current Euro 2012 soccer games.

This is how it is intended to work.

Hooligan:

“Mwahaha. Let us overturn this police car!”

ZAAAAAP!!!!

Cop:

“Ha ha ha, now you have a damp patch on the front of your trousers!”

Hooligan:

“Oh no, I must immediately cease this antisocial behavior so I can return to my hotel room to change into my characteristic fresh, dry, lavender-scented clothing.”

Whatever.

Anyway, it’s clear that this weapon was dreamed up by a deeply immature male, or to put it another way, a male.

I am SO getting one of these for my birthday.

Just think, any time you are at a speech or lecture or anything which gets boring, you just use your sonic gun to zap the speaker and suddenly it’s “I think I’ll finish there” and he shuffles off stage holding his briefcase in front of him.

How does the sonic gun work? Invisible beams cause “unusual and severe internal vibrations in the abdomen”, according to the internet.

Why am I reminded of the food at Taipei airport? Eating that causes unusual and severe internal vibrations in the abdomen, as I can attest personally. It feels like you’re in an earthquake. If enough diners consume the stuff at once, we’d probably trigger one.

Anyway, readers attending the Euro 2012 soccer tournament in Poland, take a change of underclothing.

***

NEWS IN BRIEF

****

ON TUESDAY last week, a court in China found a football manager guilty of operating an office which accepted large numbers of bribes. Clearly this man is well on the way to becoming a top government official.

***

THE US suddenly terminated funding for the Pakistani version of Sesame Street, a children’s TV show which teaches the alphabet, the press reported. I wonder which lines caused the problem?

“Today’s show is brought to you by the latter A, which stands for America, also known as The Great Satan.”

***

NEW YORK City Mayor Mike Bloomberg is finally cracking down on a dangerous gang of killers: Coca-cola executives. He made it illegal for them and their counterparts to sell their products in large cups. In the US, the biggest drink size is the Double Big Gulp, equivalent in volume to the Caspian Sea. US health will benefit, but on the downside, expect a worldwide rise in ocean levels.

***

IF THE laws are changed so that women in Saudi Arabia are allowed to drive, there would be “no more virgins within ten years”, a professor named Kamal Subhi told the media last week. This guy needs sex education urgently.

***