Men can be deep, caring human beings

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If you play the film A Hard Day's Night backwards, it's about four lads who wander through London making unearthly noises that cause huge crowds of girls to back away, screaming.

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The truth is, women SHOULD back away screaming when approached by men, according to the latest findings of Science.

ONLY members of the male sex can reach such soaring levels of stupidity that they become lethal to themselves and people around them, a recent British Medical Journal article said.

Researchers studied databases of Darwin Award winners (a title given to those whose actions are so stupid they remove themselves from the gene pool, ie, die), and found that 88.7 percent of winners were male.

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The above info was forwarded to me by a reader named Buffy, who offered her theory that "idiocy kills when combined with risk-taking behavior, hyperactivity, shallowness and massive egotism, a combination of factors also known as `being a guy."'

(No evidence of issues THERE.)

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But are men really shallow, irrational egotist idiots?

The guys in my office responded angrily to her accusation with one voice "Oh, yes we are."

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By coincidence, figures have been published in Hong Kong that show nearly two-thirds of all arrests in any given year are of men.

Of course, a proportion of these guys may have been arrested for gallantly taking the blame for the crimes of their wives and girlfriends. But probably not.

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Yet the fact is that guys are not totally worthless and shallow all the time. We can be deep and thoughtful.

Imagine the scene: we are in our third hour of playing some video game and are totally lost in the world of shooting aliens or whatever.

Then we come to the end of level four, and the screen goes dark for a few seconds.

We suddenly see our over-excited faces reflected in front of us, and we have a Deep Thought: Surely there must be more to life than this?

And then level five starts. Die die die, suckers!

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Furthermore, sometimes men ARE interestingly unpredictable. Such as when we discover that most movies, perhaps ALL movies, are better watched backwards at high speed.

Here are four others that are more interesting on rewind:

1) Jurassic Park becomes a surreal creation myth about dinosaurs who vomit up live humans and place them at the entrance to a theme park.

2)The Lion King becomes a zombie tale of a young lion who brings his dead father to life to rule the animal kingdom.

3) Beauty and the Beast becomes a super-realistic story of a couple who start off young and beautiful, but then the guy becomes unrecognizably grouchy, hairy and mirror-obsessed, until no one can live with him. The story of my life, except for the hair.

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Now if you'll excuse me, I need some personal time for mindfulness, reflection and self-actualization.

LEVEL SIX. YES! DIE DIE DIE SUCKERS

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