Japanese people"face extinction"

spoiled_girl

Falling birthrate will leave just one child left

JAPANESE PEOPLE ARE set to go extinct. If you extrapolate current birth rate figures, the country’s last child will be born before the end of this millennium, researcher Hiroshi Yoshida of Tohoku University revealed last week.

Whoa! Imagine being that last kid, with 100 million adults lined up to spoil you. Cool.

Of course, the child might feel kinda smothered, but I suspect not. Spoilt children quickly learn to assume they deserve the lives of privilege they lead.

Take my kids for example. I have to be VERY firm with them.

KID: “I wanna Ferrari.”

ME: “ABSOLUTELY NOT. You’re just a kid.”

KID: “I want one ANYWAY.”

ME: “Okay, red or yellow?”

Anyway, the loss of the Japanese “race” (I use quotation marks because the technical term should of course be “super-race”) would be a tragedy for humanity.

It is vital the United Nations starts training women from other nations to preserve important Japanese traditions, such as dressing in sailor suit dresses and speaking in very high voices.

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SHARES IN Facebook are now on sale from your nearest stockbroker. This is great. I’ve always felt young Mark Zuckerberg did not have as much money as he deserved and now I can send him mine!

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COMEDIAN DAVID Letterman was confused last week about the division of duties in a same-sex marriage.

“Who complains about the credit card bill and who says, ‘Well, you want me to look nice, don't you?’” he asked. “And who writes the thank-you notes and who just signs their name?”

David, readers who know this stuff tell me that it’s all to do with hair length.

The shorter-haired partner cultivates masculine super-powers such as selective hearing, while the longer-haired partner cultivates feminine characteristics, such as caring what color the curtains are.

In the case of Elton John and his partner, you measure the toupee.

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A MAN SURFED the web for a while at an internet café in Cali, Colombia. Then he took out a gun, robbed the place and ran off. But he forgot to log out of Facebook.

Police traced him easily, according to a story in El Tiempo newspaper, sent in by reader Wendy Tong last week.

I hope the cops updated the robber’s status line while they were at it.

“If you think I’m MEGA stupid, like my status.”

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stupid-people

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A STUDY LAST week revealed that US college students have been graduating with average debts of US$27,000 each. Whoa! Now we know where the Greek ministry of finance has been getting staff.

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SECURITY EXPERTS in London have developed a crowd control weapon which uses “painful high-pitched sounds” to disperse crowds, a press release which has just landed on my desk from the Olympic Games organizers reports.

You mean they worked out how to get Fred from YouTube into a gun? Cool.

fred-figglehorn-power-rankings-youtube-12

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TO SOLVE Europe’s economic problems, Greek politicians are calling for the creation of products proudly stamped “Made in Greece”.

Okay, people of Asia, our next manufacturing assignment is clear: Lots of stamps saying: “Made in Greece”.

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