I am ambitious for my child

MOST PARENTS WANT their children to grow up to be brain surgeons or lawyers or billionaires.

But not me. I’ve got ambition.

This planet is awash with doctors and lawyers, and have you ever met a billionaire? I have. Eww, ugly miserable grumps with grotesquely spoiled children.

The fact is, you don’t need a billion dollars to have grotesquely spoiled children, and I should know.

Typical weekend conversation at my house.

ME: “Dinner’s ready.”

THEM: “Wait.”

ME: It’s on the table. I spent three hours cooking lobster thermidor a la provencal for you!”

THEM: “Dad, we’re on Level Four of Angry Birds. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Have a bit of consideration.”

ME: “Sorry!”

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But I have plans to turn my kids’ personality defects to advantage. We live in Asia, you see, which is the only part of the world where youngsters can actually grow up to be actual gods.

I mean, why have a mere rocket scientist when you can have a divine being?

For example, the real Dalai Lama is exiled from China but it is well known that the government is “growing” youngsters at secret locations to be guiding deities for Tibet.

If Chinese officials want haughty kids who think they came to this world to be waited on hand and foot, check out my place.

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If I can’t get one of them into that job, I’m considering the temple in Lucknow, India, which maintains a full-time post of Living God.

This job is typically filled by kids on three-year-contracts.

The last time I reported on this place, the incumbent was one Sujeet Kumar Pandey, aged nine, from Dhanbad.

It’s pretty neat. The junior deity gets servants to bathe and wash him, and every few days a group of adult devotees arrives and grovels at his feet. (I tell you, my kids were born for this job.)

Freshman deities get on-the-job-training. As well as maths, Sanskrit and English, Sujeet was receiving drama lessons to enable himself to acquit his divine duties in sufficiently omniscient style.

The young god, I was amazed to hear, also gets a steady supply of women. “I have been married ten times over,” Sujeet, aged nine, told an Indian reporter.

When I heard that, I found myself actively thinking about where I could get a cap, shorts and a good make-up artist, to apply for the post myself. I’m a guy! I’m short! I can do the whole imperious leader thing!

But then I learned that the god goes nowhere near the women and the marriages only last a week since they are purely for the purposes of spreading good karma.

The contract for Living God in Lucknow comes up every three years, so anyone who wants to apply should write to the administrators at the Bibhuti Bhavan temple, Lucknow, India.

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(Taking my son to school)

My colleagues think that I spoil my children dreadfully, and have been telling me that PARENTS ought to be the presiding deities at home.

So I’ve been thinking that I should change my official title in my family from “Dad” to “All Powerful All Seeing All Knowing Almighty Being”. Then I realized there was a problem.

Yeah, my wife doesn’t want to give up her title.

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(Illustration at the top courtesy of istolethetv at flickr used under creative commons licence)