How violent protestors think

THE WOMAN AT THE fruit shop had run out of mangos this morning, so clearly I have no option but to return tonight, burn down the whole market and then write in the ash, in huge letters to be read by news cameramen in helicopters: “I JUST WANTED A MANGO.”


We are in the era of gross overreactions, and it’s VERY IMPORTANT that we all do our bit.

If your neighbor steals your newspaper, organize a march. If a foreigner mispronounces a greeting, go invade Iraq.

China and Japan are arguing over an ugly rock in the sea.

People in south and southeast Asia are angry that there’s a bit of offensive video on the Internet.

Something offensive on the internet? Well, that’s a first. [Irony detected]

Looking at recent marches, one can clearly work out the thought process of the modern protestor:

1) Has some idiot said something mean about your country, your culture, your race, your religion or a patch of dirt your nation thinks it owns?

If your answer is “Maybe, but I’m not bothered as I’m not wildly insecure,” you win a Functioning Adult award and can go back to sleep.

Otherwise, go to number two.

2) Was the statement made by some inconsequential moron who isn’t worth paying attention to?

If the answer is yes, but you choose to mentally block out that fact because you prefer conspiracy theories, go to number three.

3) Do you feel this is an opportunity to let out some internal anger about other stuff, such as the fact that parts of your body are unusually small?

If yes, go to point four.

4) Is the individual with whom you are angry in the same country as you are?

If no, go to number five.

5) Do you think it is logical to let out your anger at some innocent individuals who have no connection with the person with whom you are annoyed?

If yes, go to number six.

6) As you approach the protest, you finally realize you’re going to look incredibly stupid if you attack a Shenzhen Hello Kitty shop in place of a Japanese right wing party, or a fast food shop in Sydney to protest against a home video by some idiot from a Coptic background.

Do you mind looking incredibly stupid?

If no, continue to number seven.

7) You notice that the scared staff and owners of the shop are actually your friends and neighbors, who share your country AND your culture AND your race AND your religion.

If this doesn’t halt your protest, go to number eight.

8) You end up fighting with a police officer who turns out to be your cousin.

9) You go to jail.

10) In jail you watch the TV news and realize that thanks to the decisions you made, the moron who made the stupid statement in the first place is now the most talked-about individual in the world.

Give yourself a pat on the head.


What? No more space in this post?

That’s outrageous.

I’m afraid I have NO CHOICE but to organize a million-man-march to the mango shop.

I’ll just go get my flamethrower.