Five stories of movies coming true

Madness. In the next few months, government regulators in many cities are planning to legalize self-driving cars.

Have these people NEVER SEEN any of the “Transformers” movies?

The Decepticons must be ecstatic.

***

I was worrying out loud about this when a friend posited a theory that The Universe had run out of plot-lines for human destinies and was now recycling old movie scripts.

This idea was so utterly ridiculous that it had a kind of perverse brilliance to it.

His evidence was a TV news report about a pair of burglars who recently broke into a shop in the US city of Houston.

Surveillance video showed that they crept around the store and then bumped into each other, triggering a massive gunfight between them.

“Home Alone,” I said.

“Exactly,” he said.

***

The theory was bolstered the following day when a reader forwarded me a story about a mechanic in Sichuan, China, working on an oversized truck tire which exploded.

He flew into the air and landed on a nearby rooftop, intact EXCEPT FOR HIS TROUSERS, which had “completely vanished”.

Being deposited whole on a housetop is movie-like enough, but the missing trousers turns it into comedy gold.

You can just imagine the householder standing on the roof hanging her washing and the pants-less guy saying: “Esteemed madam! I can explain!”

***

I sent out a general appeal for examples, and an animal-lover friend sent me a cutting which said that an over-subscribed training school for animal doctors in Scotland had started employing dogs to help with interviews.

This definitely has shades of many “talking dog” movies such as Babe, Bolt, Up, Underdog, Look Who’s Talking Now, etc.

I wonder how the interviews will go?

APPLICANT: “What are my chances of getting in?”

DOG: “Ruff.”

***

The most worrying example came from a reader collecting news cuttings about killer robots, which are already in production in the US, the UK, China, India, Russia, etc.

Government officials all gave the same reason: “We’re building them so we don’t have to risk soldiers’ lives.”

How is that EVERYONE IN THE WORLD except them knows how these stories end?

When we try to decommission the robots, they turn on us and the Machine Wars start.

Why do government officials NEVER DO DUE DILIGENCE? Don’t they have movies in Governmentofficialland?

***

The final proof that The Universe is recycling movie plots came the night before I wrote this.

My friend’s daughter commented that women in movies always go through a powerful personal transformation, but DAD characters always stay as they are, stupid and evil.

“How come dads never have a mid-life crisis?” she asked.

Her mom replied: “Because men never get beyond adolescence, sweetie.”

I must admit, it rang true for my friend.

***

Thankfully, my own kids are more respectful.

Even if they do have a nickname for me, which I overheard them using last week: “Is the ATM home from work yet?”

***

What movie genre is The Universe using for your life? For mine, it is using a tragicomic farce featuring a hapless loser, so I better practice my lines.

“Esteemed madam! I can explain!”