Assault with a deadly french fry

IN A GLOBAL outbreak of violence, evil criminals are assaulting innocent civilians with deadly weapons such as french fries, in some cases unsalted.

In the past couple of weeks alone, there have been at least ten cases of food-assisted robberies, according to cuttings sent to me by readers.

In the US a man “attacked and robbed a Brockton man using stolen sausage links”, according to the press in that country. In Croatia, a footballer was attacked with a banana, and in the UK a man was arrested for throwing lasagna.

Police are taking it seriously. A man who threw a packet of McDonald’s french fries at his stepdaughter was arrested for “felony assault with a dangerous weapon” according to a June 26 police report in the US state of Massachusetts. James Hackett was “charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, to wit, a french fry,” police said.

I was reminded of the time reader Stephen Birkett told me his mango was confiscated as he boarded a domestic flight in India. Why? “For security reasons,” staff told him.

What happened to good old guns and knives?

The best theory I heard was from my mentor/ bartender, who said the United Nations worldwide gun control crackdown was accelerating in the run-up to a global summit on the subject being held this month. “Since guns are harder to get hold of, people are going for whatever is at hand, including french fries, sausages, etc,” he said.

But can you really hurt someone with a french fry?

He thought for a moment. “Sure. French fries kill. But you don’t need to hit people with them. Just feed them to them at regular intervals.”

***

THE OBAMA administration last week said the only place Mitt Romney created jobs is in Asia.

I’m sure this created absolute fury at Republican headquarters, which is probably located in a call centre near Hyderabad.

“Hello, this is Mitt Romnani speaking. How can I be helping you?”

***

A CAR RENTAL agency which checked the GPS signal on a Ferrari found that it was in the Pacific Ocean driving from the United States to Hong Kong. Ferraris do a lot of cool stuff but they can’t drive on water (unless maybe Jesus is driving).

Customs officials found the car hidden in a smuggler’s ship.

I wonder what the car’s SatNav voice was actually saying?

“Drive straight for the next 13,000 km and turn left in 164 hours.”

***

THE MALE-CHAUVINIST government of Saudi Arabia just announced it will for the first time allow women to compete in international sports events. What, like motor racing?

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PARENTS IN Bangalore have just been warned that they will “no longer be allowed to deliver their children to school in nightwear”. The report forwarded to me failed to make it clear whether it was the parents or the children who were turning up in nightwear. This being Asia, probably both.

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THE SPICE GIRLS announced last week that their story is going to be turned into a stage musical. Huh? Don’t you need music for a musical?

Comedian Craig Ferguson summed it up when he said it will be “LikeMamma Mia, but crap.”

***

BOOK UPDATE: Have been going through some of the chapters I dictated to the Dragon Naturally Speaking software. Scary thing is that I have no idea what I originally said. It sounds like I am reading through the rantings of a lunatic.

So, no change there.

***

HONG KONG really quiet as the school summer holidays have just started and it seems like everyone has fled.

Would love to hear from readers when they are taking their break and where they are planning to go… Perhaps we can overlap somewhere?

(pic by Enoch Lau)

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