Advice to people in love

TOP DOCTORS from all over the world met in Jerusalem the other day week to discuss gynecology, a branch of medicine known to specialists under the technical term “women’s bits”.

But because of Jewish rules, only MEN were allowed to share their knowledge on the subject from the stage.

The reader who sent me the news said: “I imagine the conference was rather short.”

She has a point. New Scientist magazine recently asked Stephen Hawking, the guy who unraveled the secrets of the universe, what puzzled him the most and he said: "Women: they are a complete mystery."

I sympathize. But at least I’m married. I get a long time to study a specimen close-up.

It’s much tougher for single guys.

A foodie friend of mine was baffled when the woman he was wining and dining told him that she only ate salads etc because red meat was “bad for your health”.

He said: “Red meat isn’t bad for you, gray meat with a white fuzz is bad for you.”

But at least he’s trying to communicate with them.

Last week, a friend with two failed marriages gave advice to a young man thinking of settling down. “Don’t get married,” he said. “Just find a woman you hate and buy her a car and a flat.”

I hope he doesn’t listen to that advice. This young guy has a particularly good chat-up line, which any man can use if they are reasonably presentable. He jumps in front of attractive women and says: “Here I am! So, what are your other two wishes?”

So far, he has only been thumped twice.

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ALREADY GOT a partner? Want kids? Pay cash to PlanetHospital, a US fertility clinic, and they will implant your eggs into two Asian women at once, staff revealed last week. I have a friend who implanted his seed into two Asian women at once and boy, did he live to regret it.

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SHORTLY BEFORE dropping out of the Republican race the other day, wannabee US president Jon Huntsman was seen speaking Chinese on a televised debate. Rival Mitt Romney just stood there looking baffled. What did Huntsman say? I reckon: “Damn this democracy business, I wish I could become leader the Asian way, using tanks and guns and stuff.”

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SOLDIERS WHO visited Pakistan allegedly leaked details of the assassination of Osama Bin Laden to Hollywood moviemakers, it was revealed recently.

I can just imagine the eventual result: “Home Alone 5: Ozzy the terrorist is left at home when unwanted guests arrive in a military helicopter.”

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READERS IN Galle, Sri Lanka, have been grumbling that faith-bashing campaigner Richard Dawkins was in their town giving talks at the Galle Literary Festival.

You know, Dawkins can be narrow-minded at times, but his science books are great.

If you meet him, ask him something which has always puzzled me: If evolution really happens, why do mothers only have two hands?

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ON A RELATED theme, did you hear about the honest religious kid overheard giving advice to a classmate? “Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re a dork.”

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BIG THANKS to Bianca Schlimm for sending me this delightful video from the Metro in Berlin. It’s just a candid shot of a woman giggling on the subway train. You can’t see what’s she’s laughing at – someone has sent her a funny message on her smartphone. But laughter is infectious, and soon everyone is laughing! Just try not to smile at this….