A place women can park men

Men can only see two colors, red and not-red. Red is for sports cars and not-red is for everything else.

I realized this when my wife took me to a furniture shop and asked me if I preferred cerulean or celadon. I thought: We’re buying a sofa. Why is she asking me about dinosaurs?

Luckily I came out with the right answer, which was: “Which one do you like? I expect I’ll like the same one.” It worked. I once survived a FIVE-HOUR shopping spree using only this answer, repeated pretty much continuously.

Big news: furniture chain store IKEA is introducing a crèche in which women can park shopaphobic men. Manland is a room with video games, table football, sports on TV, free hot dogs, etc. The concept is being tested in Australia.

Now ladies, before you get any ideas about abandoning us there for good, note that women are given a buzzer which goes off after 30 minutes to remind them they MUST pick up their men before leaving.

Initial feedback has been good. Men like it because they avoid tough questions, and women like it because they avoid stupid answers. And of course you end up with a sofa in a lovely pale shade of stegosaurus.

***

A COOKIE which is 102 years old is to be sold in London by famous auctioneer Christies on Thursday this week. Amazing! clearly the Christies people use the same supermarket I use!

***

FORMER AUSTRALIAN Prime Minister Kevin Rudd complained last week that airport officials tried to stop him bringing Vegemite into the US.

I have no sympathy! His own nasty immigration department is ultra strict, banning all food to “stop foreign animals breeding” in their country.

I knew someone whose Christmas turkey was taken away at Sydney airport. How often do cooked and stuffed turkeys breed?

A friend of a friend had his guitar confiscated. Did they think he might plant it and grow hippies?

Incidentally, I’ve tried Vegemite. I thought was great. Or, to be more accurate, my boots thought it was great, and were left gleaming.

***

SIGN HELD by protestors in Wall Street last week: “One day the poor will have nothing to eat but the rich.” Yes, but the fat content will play havoc with our cholesterol counts.

***

MALE DEEP-SEA squid are bisexual, probably because they live in darkness, scientists at the Monterey Bay Aquarium in California said last week.

Socializing in the dark with ten limbs must give rise to odd conversations:

“Is that your hand on my third, fourth and seventh knees, Cecil?”

“Not sure, Bruce, one of them might be. Let me ask around.”

***

MUAMMAR GADDAFI released an audio file saying that he’s “still” leader of Libya, but just doing it “temporarily” from a secret location.Just like Israel “still” wants a fair deal for the Palestinians, but is “temporarily” building cities on their land.

***

TWO CRABBY men in their 60s fought on the ground after their Zimmer frames got tangled up, the UK Daily Mirror reported last week. Oh dear. I hope Mr Jagger and Mr Richards were not on stage at the time.

***

HAPPY MONDAY. Keep yourself cheery by dropping me a note, through the comments box below, or through www.Mrjam.org, Do you think all major stores should introduce a Manland? Or are you a rare male who enjoys shopping?

Have any readers actually eaten Vegemite and lived? Is it true that it is made out of engine sump oil? Can a cooked turkey breed?

Later this week: A cure for "girly" boys.