6 worst things about being male

annoying kids on planes

GUYS: YOU’LL NEVER have to sit next to noisy kids on flights any more. A policy sweeping through the world’s airlines means all men seated next to children are moved before take-off.

Not everyone is happy. In Australia and the UK men have complained about the implication that they are latent child molesters when their only crimes are to have been born male. In the UK case, the courts agreed and made British Airways pay compensation to a guy who was asked to move and felt humiliated.

I understand how he feels but I have to ask: Hey, fella, whose side are you on?

If the airline wants to move us away from annoying kids, let them.

Attendants, why not upgrade us to that nice little child-free cabin at the front?

We don’t mind.


There is one exception, and I foresee the following conversation taking place regularly as this policy spreads through domestic Asian airlines, possibly involving the present writer.


“Attendant! I am seated between two repulsive wailing infants and should be moved up the plane.”


“Nice try, Mister, but they’re your own kids so shut the @#$% up and sit back down.”


But I definitely agree with the notion that being born male is a crime in itself and compensation should be involved. Being a guy stinks.


1) If you walk into the wrong toilet, it’s two years in jail.

2) In emergencies, it’s always “women and children first”.

3) You have to wear dark clothes or everyone thinks you’re gay.

4) In a shocking example of poor design, the most sensitive parts of the male anatomy are external, thus prone to painful accidents.

5) When watching sad movies, you have to flick the tears away from your eyes or people think you’re gay.

6) If you express a desire not to mislabeled gay, you’re homophobic.


But where should we men of planet earth send our class action lawsuit? Does God have a law firm? Probably not.

I bet all the lawyers serve his arch-rival.



MTV’S WEBSITE last week carried a review of a hot new computer game set in Asia:

Sleeping Dogs offers a lot of different ways to experience Hong Kong: karaoke bars, massage parlors, shopping, hijacking.”

Is this supposed to sum up daily life in Hong Kong? After a sing and rubdown, you hijack a speedboat or sports car? Clearly I’m hanging out with the wrong crowd.


(Typical shopping trip in Hong Kong)


AN ASIAN woman was stopped by airport security officials in Russia who found a dried deer penis in her handbag, the media reported last week.

The fact they find this strange shows how Western-centric the international press is. Westerners eat pizzles, which are the willies of bulls, and Europeans eat sweetbreads, which are the genitalia of calves, pigs or lambs.

On a BBC Lifestyle show last week I saw a woman eating sautéd testicles.

It didn’t say whose they were, or perhaps I missed that bit. Anyway, it was very distressing for a sensitive man to watch. I had to breathe deeply and walk around a bit to calm myself down.



(On a related subject, is it me, or is this food/ licensed character tie-in a mistake?)


ADVICE FOR married men: Never sneer at your wife’s choices. You’re one of them.




Above, I could only think of six bad things about being male. Anyone got any more? There must be others.

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