10 weirdest headlines ever

A TEENAGE VIEWER of the “E!” entertainment channel told me that its website last week contained a blatantly misleading headline.

I was shocked. People who watch “E!” can read? Who’d have guessed?

Annoyed reader Paige Lam, 16, showed me the headline: “Which Gossip Girl character is going gay?” The article below revealed the answer: None of them.

Even odder was a headline sent to me last week by top Hong Kong-based journalist John Berthelsen: “Gordon Ramsay Porn Dwarf Eaten by Badger”, a UK Daily Star tale about the finding of the corpse of a short “actor” resembling a TV chef.

Headlines are definitely getting weirder. Here are my top four memorable ones:

4. “Stephen King Impersonator Steals 5,000 Lobsters” was the title of an article in Horror News, a movie magazine.

3. “Politician Says Too Busy to Cheat on His Wife” was a Reuters headline. I love the wistful tone. “My schedule’s full right now, but watch me get stuck into some SERIOUS round-the-clock cheating on my day off, woo HOO.”

2. “Ex-Dictator Broke, Living With Mom” was an Associated Press headline over an interview with a former despot of Sierra Leone. Mom has “been very supportive,” he told reporters. How sweet.

1. “He Was Naked, On Crack and in Alligator’s Mouth” was in the Seattle Times. A drug-taker took off all his clothes and fell asleep by a river. He woke up being eaten and had to be extracted by police. Why waste money on anti-drugs campaigns? Just blanket the world with photocopies of this article.

Other memorable headlines:

AND HERE IS THE REST OF THE NEWS....

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SEX ADDICT Dominique Strauss-Kahn, back in Paris, is branding his rape accuser as a compulsive liar willing to say anything in a bid to get rich. Clearly this woman is not fit to be a hotel maid. Give her a job at UBS.

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CLOTHES MADE cheaply in Asia to be shipped to the UK’s NEXT fashion chain store will be shipped back to Asia for buyers using NEXT’s Asia-based web stores. It’s more profitable that way, executives told the business press last week. Do you think these guys have even heard of global warming?

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A PLANET with two suns was discovered last week, and described by scientists as “a giant frigid sphere of gas”. No, wait. Or was that a line in a profile of Oprah Winfrey?

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REAL QUOTE from Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi talking about women: “Last night I had a queue outside the door of the bedroom. There were eleven. I only did eight.” Only eight? Is he trying to get the sympathy vote?

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US SOLDIERS have just been told that the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy is now officially withdrawn. Next: Taliban fighters in Afghanistan sow confusion among advancing US troops by broadcasting questions over loudspeakers: “So, who’s gay? What’s it like?”

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BIG MOUTH Russian billionaire Sergei Polonsky, 38, who says “anyone without a billion dollars is a loser,” ended up flat on his back on the floor after being punched by another billionaire on TV last week. Hey, Sergei, before you get up, could you just remind us again who the losers are?

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Write to me. Vittachi out.