By: Our Correspondent

THE FACT THAT judges always have tiny hammers made me realize that in the old days they must have just gone round attacking people, right?

BOP! “Take that! Now go away and stop murdering everyone.”

“Oww! Yes, my lord.”

***

Judges were on my mind after Hong Kong reader Rahul Mangal told me that court officials sent an eviction notice to Lord Hanuman at a temple in India’s Madhya Pradesh state.

“You have illegally encroached [on] the road,” it said.

OOOO! This was seriously unwise, Rahul explained, as “Hanuman is a powerful monkey god deity known for throwing mountains around and threatening to eat the sun.”

Court officials must have realized this, because they withdrew the letter and now await repercussions.

OFFICIAL’S WIFE: “How was your day, dear?”

OFFICIAL: “Fine. Except I annoyed Lord Hanuman who is now eating the sun, ending the solar system and all known organic life in the universe.

WIFE: “At least we won’t have to wash the dishes.”

***

In my office, colleagues asked why Indian court officials didn’t use the traditional Asian method of conducting evictions: getting spotty youths in sunglasses to loiter and threaten violence?

Because violence sucks. Evidence of this came right on cue in the shape of a news item about a man in Ireland who turned to see an ugly man staring at him.

Gerard McGaughey leapt into action and headbutted the stranger.

Unfortunately, the victim was his own reflection, so he actually caused significant damage only to his own head.

There’s a deep moral here, right?

I think it’s “some people are dumber than rocks.”

(I hope any rocks reading this don’t feel offended by the comparison.)

***

Before the day was out, a colleague shared ANOTHER news item about an ill-judged legal threat.

A Swiss diplomat in Venezuela, annoyed by numerous golf balls that landed in his garden, erected a sign saying the embassy was technically a separate country so firing missiles into it would “break the Vienna Convention” (i.e., start World War III).

That could turn out bad.

GOLFER’S WIFE: “How’s your day?”

GOLFER: “I started World War III, which is a bit of a downer, but on the plus side I was three under par.”

***

An editor reading over my shoulder asked me a tough question: Would you rather be credited with starting World War III or ending the solar system?

Dang. That’s the kind of tough decision that makes me stay up all night worrying.

In the end I decided that both would win one a place in history, but only the first would be likely to have survivors, even if they were hard-to-eradicate low-level life forms, such as cockroaches, bacteria, nationalist politicians, Britney Spears, etc.

***

But going back to evictions, it’s clear to me that landlords have to be tough people.

How To Be A Landlord In Three Easy Steps.

1) Locate your heart.

2) Rip it out.

3) Start renting.

***

In the meantime, sociologists say we all have advanced negotiation skills, but use them selectively.

This is so true.

If I negotiated as fiercely with my bosses as I do when talking myself out of sticking to my diet plan, my income would be several trillion dollars by now.

ANOTHER case of astonishingly bad judgment on my part.