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Brain optional, scientists say, and I have to agree

ME: You slept 14 hours! TEENAGE DAUGHTER: I’m up, I’m up, see? * Moves from bedroom doorway to sofa and lies down* *** I’m telling you, this kid has life SORTED. Conscious awareness is over-rated. ...
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Differences between Westerners and Easterners

Asia contains literally four billion people. So it’s kind of weird that every time I visit the West, people say: “You’re from Asia? I met a guy from there once; I wonder if you know him?” What’s even more we...
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4 true stories about taking risks

I NEVER USED TO be a risk-taker but then I had children who would play in the dirt and say things like: “Daddy, close your eyes and open your mouth.” Parents soon learn what true courage is. I’ve been thinki...
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Thoughts about persuasive speech

INTERVIEWER: “And exactly how much leadership experience do you have?” ME: “Does being admin of a Whatsapp list count? Because I had 20 names on one before I accidentally deleted it.” He wasn’t impressed ...
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My position on gender and toilets

A WOMAN WAS SACKED for having short hair and wearing trousers to work recently. “They said I was gay,” she complained to an unsympathetic Labor Tribunal in the city of Guiyang, southwest China. How could her...
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I’m outing myself: I identify as a potato

It’s 2055. Phones are painted onto our palms. Being transgender is compulsory, except for Popes, who have to be female. All countries have combined into one big nation, North Zuckerberg. No, wait. Maybe life...

MONDAY MOANING BLUES: THOUGHTS ABOUT SILENCE

I TOLD MY CHILDREN THE HORRIFIC TRUTH about life in the old days: “And at about 11.30 every night, they would play the national anthem and we would pretend to stand up and every screen went blank. And all scree...
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THE DAY 16 WOMEN ESCAPED THEIR MARRIAGES

WIFE: “The house is on fire! Get the kids out first!” ME (Stuffing Star Wars figurines collection into pockets): “I’m on it! Really soon! Almost immediately!” *** Fortunately, it turned out to be a dre...
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Smart pets harm my self-esteem

A DOG HAS LEARNED TO READ. Fernie, a two-year-old Labrador from the UK, can read four words and is working on another 20, says his owner, a teacher. The growing intelligence of animals worries me, as I well ...